I n b e t w e e n

I've been at home, unemployed,  for little over a month now... And for the first time since I quit my job,  I find myself at ease with it.
In the first week I felt guilt... Because I quit my job and didn't have a replacement for it. For giving up so easily. For dragging Popcorn into this as well.
That guilty feeling didn't last long, but left an unpleasant emptiness where it used to be. Instead I felt indeed empty... I wasn't sure whether I should enjoy this 'free-time' or to fear it.

Two weeks after guilt I went out and enjoyed myself, maybe a little too much ( it's not easy living in the city center, where there's lots of shops but no salary to spend - which I did though ). Instant gratification is my guilty pleasure, my addiction.
But greed came and went and had now made space for contentment.
Also, the past few weeks I held a grudge. I've been hurt by someone, disappointed and ignored. And the hurt turned into hate and eventually into this consuming grudge. I never experienced emotions like these and it made me sick to my stomach, sometimes unable to breathe normally.

I don't really know what happened today... But the sun was out, birds sang, I listened to some relaxing music and suddenly all fell into place. My jumpy heart rate slowed down and my heart felt lighter. The things I was nervous about ( such as the drivers exam next week or  the hurtful person ) now seemed smaller than I thought they were.
And where I felt guilty or insecure about my unemployment... I now feel relaxed and blessed with the time I'm given to look for something that fits me more than what I did before.

It's like the waves... What's in-between two waves? What's underneath them? Complete and utter stillness.

So finally I've found some peace and quiet to reflect on myself, on what I want and where I want to be.
It's not easy being a perfectionist, but sometimes I find myself stumbling upon that switch that I keep losing... You know... The one you need to turn every once in a while...

So here's my contemplations... I'm off floating somewhere now. Cheers!

♥